All work and no play makes Yhency go something something...

The January 31 deadline to determine the optimal address for the initiation of Operation Yhency is upon us, yet no address has been agreed upon. Life here in the corporate headquarters is hectic and we cannot manage to find the time to do such a menial task. No personal address for Yhency is readily available online and debate has been raging internally as to whether we should contact Yhency via the Dodgers at Chavez Ravine or Vero Beach. Therefore, debate will continue until the determination has been determined.

In the meantime, I'm off to see the Lakers, Kobe and his soaring jump shot tonight against the Knicks! If we can't beat this sore group of miscreants and sexual predators, I'm not sure who we would be able to beat. Then again, I think I just described every team in the NBA.

(Wait for it...)

(Wait for it...)

(Wait for it...)

OOHHHHHHHHH, SNAP!!! OHHHHHHHH, I WENT THERE!!! DAVID STERN IS FURIOUS RIGHT NOW!!! HE'S GONNA HAVE ME KILLED!!! BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE BEHIND YOUR MARKETING FOREVER DAVID!! THE TRUTH SHALL BE TOLD!! SET YOURSELF FREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Man of the Month after 50 posts

To commemorate this, the 50th post on this fine blog, we here at Son of Yhency would like to thank all the lovers and haters for being so supportive with your kind words and all eight of your comments to our 49 prior posts.

But most of all, we must thank Wilford Brimley, without whom our inspiration wouldn't exist and millions of uninsured senior citizens with diabetes would be hopeless. Wilford, we hereby bestow upon you the honor of being the first-ever Son of Yhency Man of the Month. How you beat Yhency himself for that honor, we may never know. Go ye, and prosper.

Operation Yhency commences!

Son of Yhency exists as an ode to Yhency, to make him proud. But tragically, Yhency almost certainly knows nothing of this wondrous tribute to him. Therefore, to celebrate our upcoming 50th post and because we are merely weeks away from pitchers and catcher reporting, we here at SOY are determined to change this injustice.

Henceforth, we are commencing Operation Yhency, which has three goals, all of whose completion are vital in upholding the strong and promising future of this blog:

1. Alert Yhency of said blog.

2. Have Yhency visit said blog and post at least one comment that praises us and our effort to elevate his stature to that of, say, former Dodger reliever and current Los Angeles icon Jay Howell.

2a. Should Yhency aspire to have a career in writing, he will also be extended an open invitation to become a contributor, with free editorial reign.

3. Have Yhency sign an 8" x 10" picture of himself and mail it to this blogger, as he will post it in a permanent place on the upper right hand side of the main SOY page.

In order to force some structure onto this holiest of holy quests, this blogger has created some distinct steps in order to complete all goals of said Operation:

1. Locate mailing address for Yhency. If no personal address is readily available online, locate mailing address for Dodgers organization. Target completion date: February 1

2. Write letter to Yhency (to be published in its entirety here) telling him of how he tempts us so and imploring him to help this blogger fulfill the three heretofore mentioned goals. 8" x 10" photo will have to be provided by Yhency. Target completion date: February 15

3. Wait for Yhency's response. Target completion date: March 15

3a. In the event of a non-response from Yhency, rinse, reuse and recycle until said step of said Operation is complete.

3b. In the event of involvement with law enforcement or McCourt family cronies because of this blogger's overzealousness in achieving these goals, blame this guy.

4. Upon Yhency's inevitable (albeit possibly long-awaited) response, post all necessary documentation for proof of this Operation's completion on this blog. Target completion date: April 15

4a. Shall Yhency accept the open invitation to become a contributor on this blog, temptation will be had by all.

Updates on this endeavor shall come on a frequent to semi-frequent to never-frequent basis. Let it be so!

Fantasy sports have ruined me

I'm embarrassed. In myself. Fantasy sports have ruined me. And if you play them, they're ruining you too.

Last night, at about midnight, I went online to check out some basketball box scores. Not basketball scores, mind you, but box scores. I click on the Lakers-Raptors box score and look at four things, in this very particular order:

1. Mike James' stats -- The guy was a late pick for me and has been playing great basketball the last few weeks. His line: 26 points, 6 threes made, 10 assists, 2 steals. Sweet.

2. Chris Bosh's stats -- Everyone knew he'd be a beast, and he hasn't disappointed. Last night wasn't great, but I'll take 18 points, 8 rebounds and a block.

3. Morris Peterson's stats -- Just traded for him in a league and he blew last night: 7 points, 1 three made, zero steals. Ouch.

4. The score -- At the time, the Lakers were up by about 15 in the fourth. Gravy.

And that's all I look at. That's it! I turn off my computer and start to get ready to go to sleep.

If you consider yourself any sort of a sports fan, you've undoubtedly heard by now that Kobe Bryant went absolutely bonkers last night and scored 81 points, which is the second most points scored in an NBA game. Ever. More than Jordan, more than Elgin Baylor, more than Kareem. More than everyone but Wilt's 100. History. Mark Stein just wrote this morning that it was the single greatest performance of all time.

And here I am, left to think that if I hadn't gone to ESPN.com before I turned off the lights, I would have gone to sleep in a world where some of my fantasy players had done well and the Lakers won. But nothing more. And I'm ashamed because of that.

Fantasy sports, you suck.

Just -- just go to hell!

(I need you so bad, please never leave me.)

Quotes out of the Dominican

"Mr. Barry Bonds has been a disgrace to the Dominican Republic." – Luis Perez, father of a boy trying to get Bonds' autograph

"I think they're very upset. What happened was Alex was quoted here in the Dominican as 'I'm more Dominican than the banana.' People are upset because they treat Alex like a Dominican." – Stan Javier, general manager of the Dominican World Baseball Classic team, on Fruit-Rod not choosing to play for the country

Fantasy basketball update, Week 12

It's Week 12 of 645 of the basketball season, which means it's time for my pseudo-weekly fantasy update. Why no updates from weeks 1 through 11? Because this season is so long, they don't really count. Luckily, I did do a bit of an update on December 29, so I have something to measure against. Unluckily, NO ONE will care about these updates. So without further adieu:

Darko's Disciples ("Year 2" league) - 3rd of 11 teams (+5 places vs. 12/29 standings)
- I'm still 14 points out of first, but with the first place team's lead that big, I've seen owners get complacent and stop paying attention. Plus, there's still much time to go in the season and I've come back from larger deficits than that. (Ahem, The Mighty Snails...)
- Neuman Watch: The Mamba! is in 8th place, 9 points out of 3rd, and just got 80 cents on the dollar by trading away Ray Allen for Pau Gasol and Raja Bell. Suck it, Neuman. (If you don't know Neuman, he's a contributor to the Worst Blog on the Internet.)

The Jello's Jigglin' (Yahoo winner league) - 6th of 12 teams (+2 places)
- Only 11.5 points out of first in this league, although I'm not as confident about making a move on first as the competition is pretty stiff.
- Just swapped Shaq for Mo Peterson. I love Shaq, and always will, but not as a fantasy player. He kills you in free throw percentage, has been declining in numbers the last few years and is a huge injury threat. Plus, I needed threes and steals bad, both of which Peterson gives me.

Only three more months until Pedro ruins fantasy baseball seasons across the country!

Fruit-Rod becomes Flip-Flop-Rod

New news in this ridiculous Fruit-Rod/World Baseball Classic insanity. I was about to write a long tirade on why this man infuriates me so, but this timeline on the man's involvement with the Classic speaks volumes on its own:

July 14 - To play for Dominican Republic. "I want to say it out loud. I am Dominican." (That comment led to this brilliant column. I call him Fruit-Rod, this guy named Ahchie calls him The Cooler.)

December 13 - Leaning towards Dominican. "That seems to be pretty much where I'm leaning."

December 15 - Will sit out Classic. "When faced with the decision to choose between my country, the United States of America, and my Dominican heritage, I decided I will not dishonor either."

January 4 - Will play for U.S.

January 17 - On Dominican roster.

January 18 - Will play for U.S. "In recent weeks... I reached the conclusion that if I played in the Classic, I would play for the United States and honor my American citizenship."

Congratulations, Fruit-Rod. You have no marbles.

Flea on Andrew

I've already touched on this once, but if you haven't had a chance yet, I implore you to check out Flea's blog on the Lakers. A few thoughts on his latest entry:

• The first line is simply, "man o shevitz." What does that mean?? Was he trying to spell out the kosher wine, Manischewitz, and if so, why?
• Two instances of using "noone." Now, I often used that spelling for "no one" in grade school, but I think most literate adults know that it's two words.
• Still loving the pseudo-poetic prose, where there's only fragments of sentences on each line. I guess that's a song writer for you.

But best of all, his mancrush on Andrew Bynum continues:

i love andrew bynum

my flea intuition tells me he will be making incredible contributions

to the lakers in the future

Keep up the good work, Flea.

Yhency Update: Cleaning Up in the Dominican

With a 1.64 ERA, 14 saves and 22 Ks in 21 IP, Yhency has been named Pitcher of the Year in the Dominican Winter League.

HOW HE TEMPTS ME!

It ain't coming

Man, after yet another twist in Fruit-Rod's search for acceptance, I don't know if I've ever wanted to rip into him more. (Well, except for after Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS.) But it just isn't coming.

On the other hand, I guess I can just let his own actions speak for themselves. So I will.

Is this the end?

Nothing could possibly release me from the grips of my block like this story. Right now, I'm off to see the Horns stomp the Trojans (maybe?), but I think this may bring me back with a thunder.

Into the New Year

A new year brings the same writer's block. You like how I just ramble about nothing in particular these days? How I dedicate an entire blog entry to a song by a band that was semi-relevant three decades ago? How now I'm merely talking about the things I'm writing because I have nothing else to write about? Good times.

New Year's was excellent. To say it was my best New Year's in New York would be like saying Kurt Cobain was the most integral part to Nirvana, but it was still quite good. As far as I can recall, merriment was had by all.

A month and a half until pitchers and catchers report...